Bay Area badness: Raiders, 49ers lead NFL's Sorry Six

San Francisco and Oakland, you glorious, infuriating cities, you with your twelve-dollar coffees and Golden State Warriors and magnificent vistas … you’re an impressive corner of our country, and that’s why we don’t feel too bad noting that both of your football teams lead the parade of the NFL’s worst. Behold: the Sorry Six.

The rules here are simple: these are the six teams, players, units, coaches or fan bases that turned in the sorriest performances of the week. They’re not necessarily the worst in the league, but they ought to be ashamed of themselves. And we begin with a little housecleaning.

Last year, we removed two teams from the Sorry Six because they were so damn sorry so often that they were taking up a third of the real estate every week. Those teams? The Cleveland Browns and the New York Giants. History repeats itself, my friends, and the Browns and Giants are now the Sub-Sorry Six and thus ineligible for this list. And by next week, another team — yeah, you know which one — is going to join them.

1 & 2. Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers

If this is how the Bay Area Brawl ends, it’s ending on a whimper. Oakland and San Francisco played Thursday night, and nobody — not fans, not fantasy players, not most of the guys on the sidelines — cared one bit about two one-win teams, with the exception of Nick Mullens and two or three people related to him. Sure, the 49ers got a huge win scoring-wise, but against the Raiders? That’s like tearing apart a roll of toilet paper. The good news was, at least these two were quarantined and sectioned off from the rest of the NFL by two days, so they wouldn’t infect any other teams this week.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs are in the exact situation we’ve all faced with our fantasy teams where whoever we start at quarterback, the other guy was the right choice. And, much like when your fantasy team has only three wins heading into November, the Bucs are about at that point where they forget about their team and just leave whoever’s already in the starting lineup out there for the duration. Make sure you collect your league dues from those people, because they’re awful and the kind that’ll insist they’ve already paid. And they’ll also trade their one good player, like Saquon Barkley, for nothing to somebody gunning for a playoff spot and screw up the whole stretch run. People like that are awful. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, Tampa Bay sucks.

4. Green Bay Packers

The Packers aren’t a bad team, but they’re putting on a pretty convincing Halloween costume version of one. Ty Montgomery cost us a chance to see another miracle Aaron Rodgers comeback, and he got traded as a result. This week, it’s Packers versus Patriots, so Green Bay ought to have the popular vote on its side, at least.

5. Dallas Cowboys

You wouldn’t think that Jerry Jones was the kind of guy to get swindled out of his lunch money, but when the market for quality wide receivers settled at around a third-round pick, Jones was looking mighty silly for trading away a first-rounder for Amari Cooper.

6. Buffalo Bills

Two weeks ago, they scored five points. Last week, six points. Buffalo scored exactly two touchdowns in the entire month of October. Are we sure they know the season’s already started? They’ve got to be thanking heaven for the Raiders, Browns and Giants, otherwise we’d rupture organs laughing at them.

And that’ll do it for this week’s Sorry Six! Congrats to all the teams that made it, and even more congrats to those that didn’t. Got comments? Hit us up by email or find us on Twitter at @jaybusbee. Catch you next week, and remember … never be sorry.