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The Post's least-fashionable employee reviews the 2018 Winter Olympic uniforms

It’s time for another Olympics, which means it’s once again time for the world’s finest athletes to parade about in a bunch of flag-themed outerwear. My boss thought it would be a good idea to give an overview of what these proud Olympians will be wearing in PyeongChang, even though I shop at places that have “Outlet” and “Maxx” in their names and have worn a tie to work approximately once in my 20 years at The Washington Post.

I am, by any measure, deeply unfashionable and thus wholly unsuited for this assignment.

But please, read on.

[The Post’s (serious) Olympic coverage, all in one place]

The United States of America!

Ralph Lauren is back with another round of U.S. Olympic team outfits, and, as usual, they say, “I am a tasteful American who enjoys snow competitions and has at some point used the term ‘après-ski‘ in casual conversation.” The parkas that will be worn in the Opening Ceremonies are equipped with built-in heaters that rely upon some sort of magic ink. This is both classic American innovation and classic American absurdity, as we have taken an object that already was ostensibly warm — a parka — and made it unnecessarily warm. The same impulse spawned stuffed-crust pizza, if you think about it, and no invention is more stupidly American than stuffed-crust pizza.

*eats 15 slices of stuffed-crust pizza*

But there’s one accoutrement that’s drawing a lot of attention. See if you can spot it.

Man, those gloves. I feel like they would work both for advanced falconry and amateur smelting. In any case, Ralph Lauren seems to be taking its cues from a classic of American cinema:

[Winter Olympics TV schedule and highlights]

Norway!

It wouldn’t be the Winter Olympics without Norway’s extravagantly outfitted curlers, and this year will be no different.

The joke here is that flamboyantly garbed golfer John Daly would be proud, but it’s not really a joke because both Daly and the Norwegian curlers are outfitted by the same company, Loudmouth Golf. The team first garnered attention at the 2010 Vancouver Games and then doubled down in Sochi four years later with a host of crazy-quilt styles, from a look inspired by Dutch artist Piet Mondrian . . .

. . . to another that skewed Peak Norway:

There is a Facebook page devoted to the Norwegian curling team’s pants. It has more than 400,000 followers and includes posts such as this:

When somethin' happens in Central South KoreaNothin' happensIt's just another medal won

Posted by The Norwegian Olympic Curling Team's Pants on Friday, February 2, 2018

“If I’m walking down a main street in Oslo wearing the Loudmouth pants, people say, ‘Oh, that’s the curling guy,’ ” Norway curler Christoffer Svae told Time magazine. Curlers remain the best Olympians.

Russia!*

The asterisk is included here because the Russian athletes competing in PyeongChang aren’t really competing for Russia even though they are totally, 100 percent Russian. Because of that country’s years-long doping operation, the IOC banned Russia’s official delegation from the Games and said only carefully vetted athletes could compete under the “Olympic Athletes From Russia” banner, with no Russian flags or symbols anywhere, even though these people are clearly Russian. And thus we have these drab, gray offerings, which seem like something you might encounter if the world’s prisons decided to hold an Olympics.

The non-Russian Russian in the drawing below appears particularly aggrieved:

These being Russian athletes from Russia, red will be rocked, as well. Just look at these smiling faces!

Canada!

I have no problems with these, as they are Canadianly understated.

Canada’s winter Olympians used to dress as if they were about to rope cattle.

Finland!

What’s going on here, Finland?


(Finland Olympic team)

Forbes attempts to explain: “Icepeak meant to outfit the athletes with decisively Finnish aspects from patterns inspired by the Northern Lights to surface design that emulates the silvery gray of the iconic kelo wood.”

Okay, now explain the hats.

France!

France’s winter Olympians, wearing Lacoste, will attempt to be the first winter Olympians to be completely invisible. They certainly will be stylish, though no one will be able to see them.

Also, it’s after Labor Day, France.

Australia!

Who wants to tell them about the weather?

[Coldest Olympics in history? PyeongChang organizers break out the hats and blankets.]

When the Aussies are not leading campus tours for bright-eyed high school seniors, they’ll look like this:

The Netherlands!

The Dutch finished fifth in the medal table four years ago in Sochi, thanks entirely to their speedskaters. They also wear more orange than anyone this side of Syracuse, even though there isn’t a trace of it on their red, white and blue flag. Orange, though, is the traditional color of the Dutch royal family.


No one cavorts like the Netherlands Winter Olympic team. (Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images)

Unlike the French, the Dutch seem to be going with peak visibility here.

Germany!

The Germans also will sport orange, even though — and correct me if I’m wrong here, Germany — the Dutch royal family plays zero role in Germany’s culture or politics.

Their Adidas-provided parkas will feature a host of colors — sand, some sort of mossy green and metallic blue — also not usually associated with Germany, whose flag is black, red and yellow.

Switzerland!

If anyone knows how to dress for wintertime sports competitions, it’s probably the Swiss.

They also are staying on-brand. The Swiss flag is red with a white cross in the middle. Their athletes’ uniforms follow suit. Take notes, Germany.

Austria!

The Austrians are . . . also wearing red.

Team Skeleton ist im Olympischen Dorf eingezogen!

Posted by Olympic Team Austria on Sunday, February 4, 2018

Though instead of a calming white cross like the Swiss, their uniforms feature a menacing Austrian eagle, representing the country’s coat of arms. I, for one, am intimidated.

Marcel Hirscher war schon auf der Piste! 🎿🥇🇦🇹️

Posted by Olympic Team Austria on Monday, February 5, 2018

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