The following exclusive extracts are taken from the forthcoming The CR7 Project: Notes on the Evolution and De-Evolution of Cristiano Ronaldo, by Professor Calamity Flan, to be published in the first quarter of 2035.
April 3, 2018
Subject started against Juventus, away from home, in the first leg of quarter-finals of the Champions League. Subject scored two goals. The first was a self-made Type 4: Poacher’s Finish. Subject darted away from his marker and poked the ball home with the outside of his foot: not spectacular, but difficult, and made to look easy.
The second, by contrast, was profoundly spectacular, perhaps the finest and purest Type 9: Overhead Kick that this institution has ever recorded.
It is clear that even at his advanced age, the Subject retains his utility in the most testing environments. These goals were his 13th and 14th of the Champions League campaign; six more than any other player. It is clear, too, that the process of refinement that began several years ago has continued. The Subject is now a pure penalty-box player, and perhaps one of the best we’ve ever seen. The question for this project going forward is: how much further refinement is possible before the Subject begins to diminish? And how many records will he have broken by then.
April —, 2020
It is clear that the Subject’s mobility has continued to decline. In the semi-final second leg against Bayern Munich he moved less than any other outfield player, both goalkeepers, the fourth official, and — thanks to a freak gust of wind — one of the corner flags.
Nevertheless, he remains useful. His three goals were decisive in the tie, and though the third was mostly a Type 2: Defensive Mix-up, the first two were exceptional self-made Type 4s. Indeed, the first was instructive: Subject shaped to make a darting run, of the kind that he last made in early 2019, and fooled the defender into moving away. He was then able to finish while standing still. It is clear that the threat of movement is, in some circumstances, just as potent as movement itself.
These goals take the Subject to 13 for the competition this season.
December —, 2023
After much investigation into the television footage, and several eyewitness accounts from those present in the stadium, including players, officials, and spectators, it appears that the early reports were correct. The Subject has apparently ceased to exist in three dimensions, and is now only perceptible in two.
There are obvious footballing advantages here. A two-dimensional striker, being invisible from some angles and harder to see from others, is perhaps better equipped to find space in the box. Certainly, Besiktas’ defenders seemed to have trouble picking the Subject up last night. And while this author does not pretend to be an expert in two-dimensional physics, it seems logical that such a player would expend less energy in their movement, given their ability to slip between atoms. We do not currently have any proof of this, however, as according to a representative from Opta, the Subject’s new body type “played merry hell” with their statistical measurements.
The Subject scored twice, taking him to eight goals in the group stage. Incidentally, we have had to abandon the traditional taxonomy for goals, moving forward, as all were conceived with three dimensions in mind. Efforts towards a a new two-dimensional taxonomy might be a fruitful avenue for further research.
November —, 2027
As predicted in last season’s final report, the Subject has finally found a method to slip from two dimensions into just one. It is therefore impossible for this study to discern whether or not he actually moves at all. Those on the pitch with him all describe a similar sensation when trying to mark him, experiencing him only “a kind of sizzling line somewhere in the penalty area.”
The Subject’s two goals in the game against Dulwich Hamlet have moved him to seven for the group stage, with one game remaining. However, we understand that the Subject’s advertising contracts may be in jeopardy. Apparently Nike’s technicians are struggling to design a one-dimensional Swoosh.
March —, 2029
It appears that the Subject has finally abandoned the physical plane altogether. He was imperceptible from all angles throughout last night’s game, and defenders have variously recalled nothing more than “a lingering smell of Lynx Africa,” “a kind of weird hum,” and “the sound of low chuckling.” Obviously, it is now impossible to determine how much movement is taking place; indeed, it is far from clear whether the Subject moves at all, in the ordinary, physical sense. However, his goals all came from different points in the penalty area, so translocation in some sense is occuring.
The Subject scored another hat-trick against England North in the round of 16. We also understand that UEFA’s refereeing committees are concerned with the difficulties of attempting to determine whether or not a non-corporeal entity has been fouled in the box. The Subject’s manager was sanguine on this point, noting only that if a defender can find the Subject to foul him, then they deserve to get away with it.
May —, 2034
We here place on record that the last two goals of the Subject, so far as this project is concerned, came in the Champions League final against The President’s Invitational XI. We note further that the only evidence for the Subject’s role in these goals is the testimony of the defenders, who all state that at the moment of the goal, they were suddenly struck with the knowledge that the Subject was present, even though there was no perceptible evidence for this. To quote one:
It was strange. I met Ronaldo once, years ago, when I was at Madrid’s academy. He gave us some tips on taking free-kicks. And suddenly, out there on the pitch, it was like he was there with me again. I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t hear him. But I just knew he was there. And then the ball was in the net.
We therefore conclude that the Subject has, at last, succeeded in refining himself down to his ultimate and perhaps inevitable state: the simple idea of goalscoring. We propose that he should now be considered as a psychic presence, something beyond a ghost; a purely mental configuration that appears in defenders’ minds. While controversial, we therefore believe that UEFA were right to credit him with both goals in the final. He may not have touched the ball in either case, but everybody involved believes that he caused the ball to be touched, and so the goals to be scored. And given the mass resignation of the Dubious Goals Panel, it seems likely that he will retain credit.
It is with some regret that we draw this study to a close. However, we must acknowledge that the Subject has in all real, measurable, and tangible senses, ceased to exist. As such, it has become extremely difficult to secure future funding.
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